Mise en abyme

Le blog d'Iblix.  A voir sur
 
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Je sais qu'il est tard.
Je sais.
 
Je ferais mieux d'aller me lover dans mon lit.  Au chaud.
 
Je sais que les oiseaux chantent.
Je sais.
 
Je déteste aller me coucher lorsque les oiseaux chantent.  Je trouve cela horrible et glauque.
 
Je sais que j'ai bu trop de vin rouge ce soir.
Je sais.
 
Et cela me fait penser à vous.  Vous, qui adorez le vin tout autant.
 
Je sais et j'aimerais savoir encore plus de choses sur vous. Je voudrais me creuser une place à l'ombre de votre corps.  Je voudrais me frayer un passage jusqu'à votre coeur.  Si vous me laissiez...  

I wish you all the best.  I wish you well for the year to start.
 
Thanks to all my readers.
 
I think of you all, my head in the clouds.

Je sais que mes écrits semblent à l'inconnu qui les visite, un peu "brouillon".  C'est que je le suis dans la tête en ce moment.  Avis à un gentil psychiatre qui serait prêt à m'aider...
 
"Explanations" pour expliquer mes deux textes ci dessous.
 
"Lost Him" est ce que je lui ai envoyé lorsque j'ai réalisé que je m'accrochais à sa falaise pour rien.  J'ai un pied dans le vide, et pensais qu'il m'en extirperait.  Sa situation sentimentale passée l'a trop affecté, et il n'a plus la force de replonger dans quelque chose pour l'instant. 
 
Je n'ai pas envie de rester accrochée, les ongles en sang, à sa falaise si c'est pour en tomber de plus haut dans quelques jours, quelques semaines, voire quelques mois.  Aussi, j'ai décidé de tout lui avouer, et de l'envoyer valser.
 
Ma réaction semblera à certains plus qu'extrêmiste, mais c'est la seule raisonnable que j'ai trouvée dans ma sitauation de détresse.  Voilà pourquoi je lui ai envoyé "After" le lendemain.
 
Je pensais avoir été claire et qu'il ne chercherait plus à me contacter, ne chercherait plus à me joindre.  Je me trompais.  Il m'écrit qu'il est préférable parfois de faire face, d'en discuter de vive voix avant d'éventuellement prendre ses distances.
 
Je refusais catégoriquement de le revoir afin de discuter de mes sentiments éplorés devant lui, pour ensuite me laisser glisser de sa falaise d'où il aura brisé toutes mes attaches.  A présent, c'est une idée que j'apprivoise, que je caresse.
 
Je sens que je dois aller à Amsterdam afin de lui parler.  Même si je sais que tout n'est que vain et en pure perte.  Je me dois de le faire.
 
Life is about integrity.  Je le pense sincèrement.

After...  Another need to write some words in the middle of the night.
I couldn't pretend to be a friend of yours as I try to pretend.  Because I don't want to be a friend for the moment.  It's not that I don't want, it's that I'm not able to.  At least for the moment.
I know you must think "She's full of contradictions: she agrees to be a friend and now she's telling me that she can't!!!  Silly girl!!!".  Yes, I'm full of contradictions for the moment because I'm suffering.
I've realised that pretending I was just a friend of yours was playing only with myself and faking me a little more.  I don't want to be "only" a friend.  I want more.  And for a long time.
You wrote me "I don't want to hurt you".  So, could you answer to me???  Why does it hurt so much????
With the last Love I had and you, I think I've suffered too much.  And that's enough for at least the ten years to come.  I can't have heart-pain anymore.  I can't continue like that.

So, please, I don't want you to reply to this mail.  I don't want you to send me sms messages anymore.  Because it's only giving me hope.  And that's a fake hope.  Even if the most part of myself is screaming "Please!  Don't write that!!!!  You want more than all to read some words from him yet!!!!"  I just can't.  I've got respect for myself and you must respect the fact that it hurts very much.
I only could say "I've forgotten him" when I will be able to erase all your kind messages on my cell phone.

Please, don't answer.
Don't reply.  I'm not trying to get hard with you, only with myself.
Best.

It's almost 5 a.m. when I've written this last week.  I broadcast it a little later by mail.
It's late or early, I dont't know.  I can't sleep for the moment because I felt I had to write these words now.  Once and for all.
You know, the feelings I had for you, it's such difficult to describe...  I can try, however.
I think of you suddenly and not for a precise reason.  I'm asking to myself in which part of the globe your thoughts are wandering.  I just try to imagine.  I find you very interesting, cultivated and attractive.  It's what attracts me first.  After, I found you handsome and you have fatal blue eyes.
What I feltl was such indescribable...  I felt butterflies all around the stomach, flying high up to the heart side.  I felt explosions in the heart.  I felt like I was deeply aware of what was happening inside my senses.
As I said, it was a rare feeling hence very precious.
You could ask me: "why on me???"  I couldn't reply.  It was weird.  I didn't even know you!!!  Strange though it may seem.
I don't write you all this trying to expect something for you.  No.  I've got respect for myself enough.  I don't expect nothing from you.  I'm just writing this purely and simply by selfishness to exorcize myself.  I try to understand.
I promised to forgive you.  I promise.  I will try.
You know, I want a terrible, screaming inside, consuming Love.  I couldn't be with someone I could just "like".  Love for me means "passion".  Not the brutal and quick passion.  I'm someone passionate, able to give a lot of sparkles to life.  I'm honest and maybe too faithful sometimes.  I couldn't never be unfaithful to the man I love.  Never fake him.  I will not be able to.  I love to play with the person I love.  Not "play" in the meaning of "playing with the feelings".  I'm not that kind of person.  "Play" in the meaning of "tease".  I love to tease and be teased by the other.  I refuse all the weight of the "everyday thing".  I'm always trying to surprise the other to break more and more the daily life.  It's how I am.  And I really love to think to all the things I could do to reach my ends: make of every day an extraordinary day.  Because I still have the gift to surprise myself.  Love is simple and not engulfing the head and the mind.  I always choose to stay myself, honest and sincere.  If you have to change for the other, then it's not Love.  I will not be able to change for the other.
It's that kind of Love I'm searching for.
I know I'd better say that in person, but I can't for the moment because you're not here and I'm not there.  But I will tell you if I see you back one day or another.
I guess this must be maybe embarrassing for you, so I can keep my mouth close up.
I perfectly assume all of this.  I just regret one thing: not speaking very much with you in Amsterdam. I was shy.  I mustn't be.  You know, I'm a funny girl, despite all the appearences.
I could dig in the ground with my naked hands to find you if there was an only hope.
I could take the next train to your town to find you back at the gate 2 if there was an only little hope.  I swear I'd do.  I'm just like that and you can not blame me for feeling what I felt for you.  That's definitely how I am.  Life is about integrity, remember?
But there's no hope.  You seem to have too many sad stories in your mind, but you can't involve me as a person who played with you.  Or as a person who think you're such an extraordinary man.  You're not a hero, you're just a man for me.
There's no hope.  And that's better like that.
I wish you well.  And all the best.